Are You Being Too Hard on Yourself? Here’s How to Know
Striving for personal growth is a noble goal. But when that drive to improve turns into harsh self-judgment, it becomes a serious problem. Many people mistake self-criticism for self-discipline, but there’s a big difference. Discipline helps you grow. Excessive self-criticism keeps you stuck, drains your confidence and poisons your self-worth.
Confidence in your abilities to go after your goals can sometimes be difficult to find or keep.
It can sometimes take time to discover the confidence you have inside you. This can be especially true if you are trying something new.
I have a program that can help you to discover what is holding you back from achieving your goals as well as help you set an attainable goal related to where you are in your life and where you are trying to be.
This program also works with you to build up your confidence in being able to reach your goal.
You can find out more about this program at Confidology, a funny name but a serious program.
You can contact me to talk about this or any other aspect of confidence and success at michael@coachmichaelw.com
Visit the site and read through the program description.
If you are not ready to commit to a full program, I have a self-paced course on Udemy that may be of interest. You can find out about the course and register at Confidence and Motivation Development and Maintenance
Self-criticism can become so habitual that you don’t even realize you’re doing it. But over time, it erodes your motivation, paralyzes your decision-making and even makes you more vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you’re constantly tearing yourself down instead of building yourself up, you’re not pushing yourself — you’re punishing yourself.
Let’s explore the key signs that you’re being too hard on yourself, what they really mean and how to start changing that mindset.
1. You Feel Stuck and Unable to Move Forward
Feeling frozen, indecisive or unable to take action often stems from perfectionism and fear of failure. When you’re hypercritical of every misstep, you become afraid to make any move at all. This paralysis can stop you from pursuing opportunities, changing careers or even speaking up in meetings.
What to do instead:
Start by giving yourself permission to make imperfect progress. Small, consistent steps beat standing still. Mistakes aren’t the end — they’re part of the process.
2. You Struggle to Forgive — Others and Yourself
Holding grudges isn’t just about others. If you beat yourself up for weeks (or years) over past decisions, you’re also likely to be hard on people around you. This lack of self-forgiveness becomes projected outward. You may become critical, distant or resentful in your relationships.
Break the cycle:
Forgiveness starts with self-compassion. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Learn from them, then let them go. Practice speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend.
3. You Minimize or Dismiss Your Achievements
Did you reach a goal but immediately move the bar higher? Do you constantly compare your wins to someone else’s and feel like they’re not good enough? That’s not humility — that’s self-sabotage.
Celebrate your growth:
Start keeping a “wins journal.” Every day, write one thing you accomplished — big or small. It retrains your brain to see progress rather than problems.
4. You’re Not Comfortable Being Assertive
Assertiveness requires self-worth. If you don’t feel confident in your opinions, needs or boundaries, you’re less likely to speak up. You may fear rejection, ridicule or being “too much.”
Learn to speak up:
Start small — say no to something you don’t want to do. Ask a question at a meeting. Express a preference. Each time you speak up, you strengthen your sense of self.
5. Negative Self-Talk Is Constant
Everyone has moments of doubt, but if your inner voice is constantly harsh, sarcastic or cruel, that’s a major red flag. Thoughts like, “I’m such an idiot,” or “Why do I even bother?” become a running commentary that chips away at your confidence.
Reframe the voice:
Catch yourself in the act. When you hear negative self-talk, pause and ask, “Would I say this to someone I care about?” If not, rephrase it. Practice using more compassionate and realistic language.
6. Chronic Underachievement
Ironically, the more critical you are of yourself, the less likely you are to reach your potential. Why? Because you’re operating from fear, not motivation. You doubt your abilities and hesitate to take necessary risks.
Take action anyway:
Start something, even if it’s small and messy. Progress builds confidence. Stop waiting to feel 100% ready — you rarely will.
7. Others Start Criticizing You, Too
When you constantly put yourself down, others take cues from your behaviour. They may begin to treat you the same way you treat yourself. Over time, this creates a toxic dynamic where you feel disrespected or invalidated — but you unintentionally opened the door.
Shift the energy:
Pay attention to how you speak about yourself around others. Be mindful of self-deprecating humour or casual insults directed at yourself. Replace them with neutral or positive statements.
8. You Use Broad, Harsh Generalizations
Saying “I always mess things up” or “I’m just not good at anything” is not only untrue — it’s dangerous. These all-or-nothing judgments are usually based on a single event and don’t reflect reality.
Stick to specifics:
Instead of saying, “I’m terrible at presentations,” say, “I was nervous during that last presentation, and I want to work on that.” Specific feedback is helpful. Vague generalizations are destructive.
9. You’re Afraid to Voice Your Opinions
Do you hold back on sharing your thoughts, likes, or dislikes — even simple ones? This may be because you’re afraid your views will be judged or rejected. Self-criticism leads to self-censorship.
Practice expressing yourself:
You don’t need to justify your opinions. Start with low-risk situations like sharing your favourite movie or restaurant. Then move up to bigger topics.
10. You Dwell on Your Mistakes
It’s healthy to reflect on mistakes. It’s not healthy to relive them on repeat. Obsessing over what went wrong robs you of energy and clarity. It keeps you stuck in guilt instead of moving into growth.
Set a time limit:
Allow yourself 10–15 minutes to think about what went wrong, what you learned and what you’ll do differently. Then shift focus. Reflection should fuel change, not shame.
11. You Avoid Asking for Help
Being overly self-critical can make you believe that needing help is weakness or failure. But no one does anything worthwhile alone. Asking for support is a strength, not a flaw.
Start small:
Ask a friend for advice, or a colleague to review your work. The more you ask, the easier it gets — and the more connected you’ll feel.
12. You Can’t Give Yourself a Compliment
If someone asked you what you’re good at, would you struggle to answer? That’s a sign of deeply ingrained self-criticism. Recognizing your strengths isn’t arrogance — it’s self-awareness.
Make a list:
Write down five things you do well. Keep it somewhere visible. Add to it over time. Revisit it when your inner critic gets loud.
Replace Criticism With Compassion
Being hard on yourself doesn’t make you better — it makes life harder. Confidence doesn’t grow from shame. It grows from support, effort and realistic self-awareness.
You deserve to be your own ally, not your enemy. Learn to notice the critical voice. Challenge it. Replace it with something more honest and kind.
You’re not perfect — and you don’t have to be.
To talk about any aspect of success or working with a Life Coach to help you to achieve success, you can book a 30-minute call by clicking on the blue button below.
Don’t try to do all of this by yourself, ask and receive the guidance that can get you moving towards your own success.
Working together can help you overcome personal and professional barriers, ensuring you reach your highest potential.
Nothing happens until action is taken.
To your success.
Michael
P.S Don’t forget to visit Confidology to learn more about the program. If you are not ready to commit to a full program, I have a self-paced course on Udemy that may be of interest. You can find out about the course and register at Confidence and Motivation Development and Maintenance
P.P.S if you want to find out more about my programs just check out the site Confidence and Life Coaching
P.P.P.S. If you enjoy reading these articles on my blog, I have more books that have more of this type of information that you can find out more about at Books to Read. You can buy these ebooks at many on-line book stores. The links to the bookstores are at the link above.
P.P.P.P.S. I have posted a series of articles on the “Fear of Success” at Confidence and Life Coaching. You can also request a free PDF of all 4-articles by sending me an email message at michael@coachmichaelw.com
Photo by Cristofer Maximilian on Unsplash
