Confidence doesn’t begin with external achievements — it starts with how you talk to yourself. The way you think and speak to yourself each day has a direct impact on your self-esteem, motivation and sense of self-worth. This internal dialogue, also known as self-talk, can either lift you up or tear you down. If your thoughts are consistently negative, they become a mental loop that erodes your confidence and keeps you stuck.
Confidence in your abilities to go after your goals can sometimes be difficult to find or keep.
It can sometimes take time to discover the confidence you have inside you. This can be especially true if you are trying something new.
I have a program that can help you to discover what is holding you back from achieving your goals as well as help you set an attainable goal related to where you are in your life and where you are trying to be.
This program also works with you to build up your confidence in being able to reach your goal.
You can find out more about this program at Confidology, a funny name but a serious program.
You can contact me to talk about this or any other aspect of confidence and success at michael@coachmichaelw.com
Visit the site and read through the program description.
If you are not ready to commit to a full program, I have a self-paced course on Udemy that may be of interest. You can find out about the course and register at Confidence and Motivation Development and Maintenance
But the good news? You can take control of your self-talk and rewire the way you speak to yourself. And when you do, your confidence will start to grow naturally.
What Is Self-Talk and Why It Matters
Self-talk is the internal narration running in your head all day long. It’s not always loud or obvious, but it influences how you interpret the world, how you view yourself and how you respond to challenges.
There are two main types:
- Positive self-talk: Encouraging, empowering, realistic. (“I’ve handled tough things before — I can do it again.”)
- Negative self-talk: Critical, limiting, self-sabotaging. (“I always mess things up. I’ll never get this right.”)
Your self-talk is shaped by life experiences, upbringing, culture, media and personal beliefs. If it’s largely negative, it becomes a lens that distorts reality and stunts your growth.
The Damage of Negative Self-Talk
Negative self-talk is more than just a bad habit. It chips away at your confidence and contributes to anxiety, depression and indecision. It keeps you small, afraid and reactive. You second-guess yourself, procrastinate, avoid risks and believe the worst about yourself — even if it’s not true.
Common forms of damaging self-talk include:
- Labeling: “I’m stupid,” “I’m ugly,” “I’m a failure.”
- Catastrophizing: “If I mess this up, everything will fall apart.”
- All-or-nothing thinking: “If I don’t get it perfect, I’m worthless.”
- Comparing: “Everyone else is ahead of me.”
The mind will believe what you repeat often. So if you’re constantly reinforcing these beliefs, they become your emotional default.
Step 1: Catch the Lies You Tell Yourself
The first step in shifting your self-talk is awareness. You can’t change what you don’t notice. Start paying attention to the voice in your head. What is it saying when you:
- Make a mistake?
- Look in the mirror?
- Think about a challenge?
Start writing these thoughts down. Don’t judge them — just observe. You’ll likely find that many are exaggerated, harsh or flat-out untrue.
Step 2: Get Real, Not Delusional
Positive self-talk doesn’t mean lying to yourself or pretending everything is fine when it’s not. It means speaking to yourself like someone who sees your worth and believes you can grow.
Instead of saying: “I’m terrible at this.”
Try: “I’m still learning. I can improve with practice.”
Instead of: “I’m not attractive.”
Try: “I have features I like, and I’m working on feeling better in my body.”
Positive self-talk should be rooted in truth and compassion, not fluff. That’s how you build authentic confidence.
Step 3: Show Yourself Some Compassion
You wouldn’t speak to a friend the way you often speak to yourself. If your best friend were struggling, you’d offer encouragement — not insults. Why not do the same for yourself?
Self-compassion builds confidence because it allows room for mistakes, growth and imperfection. It creates safety within your own mind, making it easier to try new things without the fear of inner punishment.
Ask yourself:
- What would I say to a friend in this situation?
- What tone would I use with someone I love?
Now say those things to yourself, out loud or in writing. It might feel awkward at first. Keep going.
Step 4: Weed Out the Old Mental Scripts
We all carry outdated messages from childhood, culture, and media. “You’re not good enough.” “You need to look a certain way.” “Don’t stand out.” These mental scripts are often inherited — not chosen. But you get to decide which ones stay.
When a negative thought arises, challenge it:
- Where did this belief come from?
- Is it helpful or harmful?
- Is there evidence for it — or is it just noise?
Then, actively replace that thought. Not with fantasy, but with a realistic, positive alternative.
Step 5: Kick Out Disempowering Thoughts
Disempowering thoughts are thoughts that shrink you. They make you feel small, stuck and scared to act. These thoughts might sound like:
- “Why even try?”
- “Someone else could do it better.”
- “I’ll just embarrass myself.”
These aren’t facts — they’re fears in disguise. When you recognize them, interrupt the pattern. Say:
“This thought isn’t helping me. I choose a better one.”
Build a list of empowering phrases to use as mental armour. For example:
- “I’ve done hard things before.”
- “I’m capable of figuring this out.”
- “This moment doesn’t define me.”
Keep them visible — on your phone, bathroom mirror or notebook.
Step 6: Zoom Out and Look Ahead
Negative self-talk zooms in on the moment and blows it out of proportion. It convinces you that a bad day is a bad life. But confidence requires perspective.
Instead of obsessing over the traffic jam, awkward moment or missed opportunity, zoom out.
Ask:
- Will this matter in a week? A month? A year?
- What can I learn from this?
- How can this moment be part of my growth?
Focusing on the long game helps you stop overreacting and start responding with wisdom.
Step 7: Protect Your Mental Space
Your self-talk is influenced by the voices around you. If you’re surrounded by negative people or media constantly selling fear, comparison or shame, your self-talk will mirror that.
Be selective about:
- The people you spend time with
- The content you consume
- The environments you engage in
Protect your energy like it matters — because it does.
Confidence Is an Inside Job
Confidence doesn’t come from applause, appearance or achievement. It starts in your mind — with the words you say to yourself when no one else is listening.
You can’t always control the world outside you. But you can choose how you respond to it — and how you speak to yourself while you do.
Make your self-talk a daily discipline:
- Notice it.
- Question it.
- Replace what needs replacing.
- Speak with kindness and truth.
When you do, your confidence won’t be fake or forced. It will be real, earned, and unshakeable.
To talk about any aspect of success or working with a Life Coach to help you to achieve success, you can book a 30-minute call by clicking on the blue button below.
Don’t try to do all of this by yourself, ask and receive the guidance that can get you moving towards your own success.
Working together can help you overcome personal and professional barriers, ensuring you reach your highest potential.
Nothing happens until action is taken.
To your success.
Michael
P.S Don’t forget to visit Confidology to learn more about the program. If you are not ready to commit to a full program, I have a self-paced course on Udemy that may be of interest. You can find out about the course and register at Confidence and Motivation Development and Maintenance
P.P.S if you want to find out more about my programs just check out the site Confidence and Life Coaching
P.P.P.S. If you enjoy reading these articles on my blog, I have more books that have more of this type of information that you can find out more about at Books to Read. You can buy these ebooks at many on-line book stores. The links to the bookstores are at the link above.
P.P.P.P.S. I have posted a series of articles on the “Fear of Success” at Confidence and Life Coaching. You can also request a free PDF of all 4-articles by sending me an email message at michael@coachmichaelw.com
