Learning to Forgive Yourself
How often do you criticize yourself for making a mistake or falling short of your expectations? If you’re like most people, the answer is probably “a lot.” We tend to be our own harshest critics, holding ourselves to incredibly high standards and punishing ourselves when we don’t meet them. But what if this self-criticism is actually holding us back instead of helping us grow? Enter self-compassion: the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Learning to forgive yourself can be transformative, helping you bounce back from setbacks and paving the way for personal growth and happiness.
Confidence in your abilities to go after your goals can sometimes be difficult to find or keep.
It can sometimes take time to discover the confidence you have inside you. This can be especially true if you are trying something new.
I have a program that can help you to discover what is holding you back from achieving your goals as well as help you set an attainable goal related to where you are in your life and where you are trying to be.
This program also works with you to build up your confidence in being able to reach your goal.
You can find out more about this program at Confidology, a funny name but a serious program.
You can contact me to talk about this or any other aspect of confidence and success at michael@coachmichaelw.com
Visit the site and read through the program description.
If you are not ready to commit to a full program, I have a self-paced course on Udemy that may be of interest. You can find out about the course and register at Confidence and Motivation Development and Maintenance
Self-compassion is a concept developed by psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, who defines it as a way of relating to ourselves that includes being kind, mindful and recognizing our shared humanity. When we practice self-compassion, we acknowledge our mistakes and imperfections without letting them define us. Instead of beating ourselves up over every misstep, we accept our flaws as part of being human. This approach stands in stark contrast to the common habit of self-criticism, which often leads to feelings of inadequacy, shame, and anxiety.
Why is self-compassion so important? For one, it plays a crucial role in our mental and emotional well-being. When we treat ourselves with kindness, we create a safe space to learn and grow. Imagine you’re trying to learn a new skill, like playing an instrument or speaking a new language. If every mistake you make is met with harsh criticism, it becomes difficult to stay motivated and keep practising. The fear of making errors can lead to anxiety, which in turn makes it even harder to perform well. However, when we approach our learning process with self-compassion, we allow ourselves to make mistakes without harsh judgment. This creates a positive cycle where we feel encouraged to keep trying, ultimately leading to better outcomes.
Self-compassion also helps us build resilience. Life is full of challenges and setbacks, and how we respond to them can make all the difference in our ability to bounce back. When we face a failure or disappointment, it’s easy to spiral into negative self-talk, telling ourselves that we’re not good enough or that we’ll never succeed. This mindset can be incredibly discouraging, making it harder to pick ourselves up and try again. On the other hand, self-compassion provides a supportive inner dialogue that helps us cope with difficult emotions and move forward. By treating ourselves with kindness, we build the mental strength needed to face life’s ups and downs with grace and determination.
One common misconception about self-compassion is that it’s the same as self-pity or that it might make us complacent. Some people worry that being kind to themselves will lead to a lack of motivation or lower standards. However, research shows that this is not the case. In fact, self-compassionate people tend to have higher motivation and set more ambitious goals for themselves. The key difference is that their motivation comes from a place of wanting to improve and grow, rather than a fear of failure or a desire to prove their worth. When we practice self-compassion, we create an environment where we feel safe to take risks, learn from mistakes and pursue our goals without the constant fear of judgment.
To begin practising self-compassion, start by paying attention to your inner dialogue. What do you say to yourself when things go wrong? Many of us have an automatic inner critic that jumps in with harsh, negative thoughts whenever we make a mistake. This critic might say things like, “You’re so stupid,” or “You always mess things up.” While it might seem like this voice is trying to push us to do better, it often has the opposite effect, leading to feelings of shame and discouragement. Instead of listening to this inner critic, try speaking to yourself in the same way you would talk to a friend who is going through a tough time. Offer words of comfort, understanding and encouragement. This simple shift in how we talk to ourselves can make a significant difference in how we feel and how we respond to challenges.
Actionable Step: The next time you catch yourself being overly critical, pause and take a deep breath. Ask yourself what you would say to a friend in the same situation. Then, say those same kind and supportive words to yourself. Practising this regularly can help rewire your inner dialogue to be more compassionate.
Another powerful practice for cultivating self-compassion is mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being present in the moment and observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment. When we’re mindful, we become more aware of our self-critical thoughts as they arise. Instead of getting caught up in these thoughts or letting them dictate how we feel about ourselves, we can simply notice them, acknowledge them and let them go. This practice helps us create some distance from our inner critic, making it easier to respond with kindness rather than self-judgment.
A key aspect of self-compassion is recognizing our shared humanity. It’s easy to feel like we’re the only ones who struggle or make mistakes, especially when we compare ourselves to others on social media, where people tend to share only their highlights. This sense of isolation can make our failures feel even more significant. However, when we remind ourselves that everyone makes mistakes and experiences setbacks, it becomes easier to be kind to ourselves. We realize that we’re not alone in our struggles; we’re part of a larger human experience. This perspective helps us let go of the idea that we need to be perfect and allows us to embrace our imperfections as part of what makes us human.
Forgiving yourself is an essential part of self-compassion. When we hold onto guilt or shame for past mistakes, it can weigh us down and keep us from moving forward. Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing our mistakes or avoiding responsibility; rather, it’s about acknowledging what happened, learning from it and letting go of the negative emotions that are holding us back. By forgiving ourselves, we free up mental and emotional space to focus on our growth and future goals.
Practising self-compassion also involves setting healthy boundaries. It’s about recognizing our limits and giving ourselves permission to rest and take care of our needs. In today’s fast-paced world, there’s often pressure to always be productive and push ourselves to the limit. However, constantly striving for perfection can lead to burnout and a negative cycle of self-criticism when we can’t meet unrealistic expectations. By allowing ourselves time to rest and recover, we show compassion to ourselves, which in turn helps us be more effective and productive in the long run.
Self-compassion may not come naturally at first, especially if you’re used to being hard on yourself. It takes time and practice to develop this new way of relating to yourself. However, the benefits are well worth the effort. When we treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, we create a supportive internal environment where we feel safe to explore, learn and grow. This mindset not only helps us bounce back from setbacks but also makes us more resilient, motivated and happier in our everyday lives.
The next time you find yourself stuck in a cycle of self-criticism, take a step back and remember that everyone makes mistakes. Offer yourself the same kindness and compassion that you would give to a loved one. By practicing self-compassion, you can break free from the trap of perfectionism, forgive yourself for past mistakes and move forward with a renewed sense of purpose and self-worth.
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Don’t try to do all of this by yourself, ask and receive the guidance that can get you moving towards your own success.
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To your success.
Michael
P.S Don’t forget to visit Confidology to learn more about the program. If you are not ready to commit to a full program, I have a self-paced course on Udemy that may be of interest. You can find out about the course and register at Confidence and Motivation Development and Maintenance
P.P.S if you want to find out more about my programs just check out the site Confidence and Life Coaching
P.P.P.S. If you enjoy reading these articles on my blog, I have more books that have more of this type of information that you can find out more about at Books to Read. You can buy these ebooks at many on-line book stores. The links to the bookstores are at the link above.
If you have an Amazon Kindle account, there are different books at Amazon – Michael W (author)
Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash
